How to Talk to Your Spouse Without It Turning Into a Fight

This is not medical advice. Please see a qualified medical professional.

“Why can’t I just speak my mind? You are so touchy.”

“I’m not touchy. You always attack me.”

It doesn’t take much to avoid another fight. You can speak productively by keeping three ideas in mind. 

Timing Matters

Imagine a wife bringing up to her husband a difficult topic during this circumstance: they are waiting in line at Disney in July when the heat is over 100 degrees; the kids are losing it and the Disney worker announces that It’s a Small World is shut down for repairs–and they’ve already waited for an hour.

Can you imagine a worse time?

Sometimes a tough topic cannot wait. Maybe the wife has lost the key to their vehicle, so it’s important she talk about it NOW. (That would be a major bummer.) But often, tough topics can wait till both people are emotionally regulated, there are few time constraints, and other sources of stress are minimal.

That old saying about not letting the sun go down on your anger is helpful in principle. It can mean to not ignore challenging topics–don’t brush topics under the rug. The saying does not necessarily mean to force a conversation at 11:34 pm when you’re both over tired and grouchy.

Approach Matters

Dr.’s John and Julie Gottman–experts in the field of couples therapy–teach a concept called Gentle Startup. The idea is to bring up complaints and criticism softly.

Instead of: “You always leave the milk out on the counter. You’re lazy. Why do you do that?”

Try: “I feel frustrated that the milk has spoiled from sitting on the counter all day long. Can you please remember to put it back in the fridge after breakfast?” 

The Gentle Startup is naming your emotion (frustration) about an objective (leaving out the milk) and specifying what you need (remembering to put the milk back).

Emotion Regulation Matters

You can give the perfect Gentle Startup and your person takes it as an excuse to fight. Emotion regulation is the skill you use to not take the bait.

Emotion regulation is noticing your emotion, observing it without judgment, and responding to the emotion with intentionality. 

You can avoid a fight by noticing you are feeling angry, taking a breath, then asking a question with genuine curiosity. “I hear you–you’re upset I mentioned the milk. Is that right?Help me understand what you need from me.”

The Gottmans have said in a TED Talk that couples who do not fight are rare. They mean that all couples need to resolve conflicts. It’s the HOW you resolve it that builds connection instead of disconnection.