Wife: "You aren't listening to me. It's not about what you did do. I needed the laundry done before friends come over. I didn't need you to paint the bathroom today."

Husband: "I can never win with you. You've been complaining about the bathroom for months. I thought you would be thrilled when you saw it was done. You always pick at me."

Wife: "That's nice, but you're not listening. You NEVER listen to me. I just want to be respected. When we got married we said we would split the chores--and that's not happening. I  can't do it all. I'm done."

Husband: "I hear you, but I don't get it. I do a lot around here."

Sound familiar?

When negativity and resentment build up, fights pop up. It seems that you can't even discuss a grocery list without fighting.

Communication is a catchall word for marital problems. Couples believe that if they just stopped fighting and started communicating better, life would get better.

Under the umbrella of communication are the problems of passive aggression, bitterness, old wounds, neglected dreams, jealousy and contempt. 

Couples therapy is about finding the root of the communication problem and applying solutions. 

Often, pervasive fighting is the visible injury that pushes a couple into therapy. The injury draws attention to the deeper wounds that were never healed.

How Therapy Helps Communication

1. You learn tools for handling conflict. Gottman shares that almost 70% of conflict is perpetual. In therapy, you learn how to manage the conflict that is not going away. You learn how to respect each other while conversing productively.

2. You learn to recognize and correct how you talk to your spouse. You may correct yourself: "I just heard myself criticizing you. Let me try that again." You will learn ways to help your spouse hear what you're communicating.

3. You learn how to draw each other out in ways that deepen your relationship and build fondness.

4. You'll rehearse the new strategies with your spouse during sessions. It will feel awkward at first, but you'll find yourself using the tools at home. "The next thing I knew it, the words from our communication strategy were falling out of my mouth..."