Avoidant vs Anxious Attachment in Relationships

This is not medical advice. Please see a qualified medical professional.

What avoidant attachment looks like

The avoidant attached person struggles to recognize and regulate emotions, and they lean toward independence rather than dependence on relationships. If they get close to someone, they often pull away and isolate before the relationship deepens. 

What anxious attachment looks like

The anxiously attached person needs reassurance, worries about abandonment and rejection, and struggles with self-care. They really, REALLY need affection and love. Acrroding to the Cleveland Clinic, the person who is anxiously attached will be much more focused on their partner’s needs than their own.They struggle to trust and to establish boundaries. 

Why this pairing causes conflict

Amir Levine, M.D., is a psychiatrist, neuroscientist, and co-author of a popular book, Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment. He said in an interview with The Gottman Institute that anxious-avoidant relationships foster “stable instability.” The two people can love each other, but they live with troublesome patterns fostered by their insecurities. 

The pattern is the avoidant senses trouble–the anxious person drawing too close–and so the avoidant steps back, creating distance. The anxious partner feels worried due to the distance, and  therefore gets clingy.

How couples therapy helps

The therapist’s job is to help the couple notice the patterns and to interrupt them. The therapist gently interrupts the couple to say, “Did you hear what happened? Do you two notice that you slipped into that same old dance of conversation that ends badly? Let’s interrupt it with something else that will be more helpful.”

The counseling session is for learning and rehearsal. With repetition, the couples feels more secure with their healthy communication.